


restless

by glossolala



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fallen Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post Season 8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-10
Updated: 2013-04-10
Packaged: 2017-12-07 14:14:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/749437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glossolala/pseuds/glossolala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He knows something is going on from the way Castiel worries his hair between his fingers or nervously taps his foot on the floor or the way he sometimes silently contemplates the sky through the window, for long periods of time, sitting somewhere deep inside his head. He’s quiet as he does this, but to Dean, he’s about as subtle as a nervous bird in a cage, fluttering about and futilely flying into the metal bars in an attempt to get out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	restless

**Author's Note:**

> 8x17 coda-ish. Beware! Here be LowSelfEsteem!Dean. Basically beating himself up about everything and being a self-hating little shit. But Cas comes to the rescue, of course.
> 
> Originally posted on tumblr, now posted here with some edits. Thank you for reading! Feedback and constructive criticism is always welcome.

Dean notices. Dean always notices these things. It’s one of the best and worst things about the both of them; their ability to read each other without saying a word. It leaves much unsaid, and sometimes things need to be said, need to be heard.  
  
He knows something is going on from the way Castiel worries his hair between his fingers or nervously taps his foot on the floor or the way he sometimes silently contemplates the sky through the window, for long periods of time, sitting somewhere deep inside his head. He’s quiet as he does this, but to Dean, he’s about as subtle as a nervous bird in a cage, fluttering about and futilely flying into the metal bars in an attempt to get out.  
  
Dean knows exactly what this is, but he’s afraid to ask because he’s never been able to let go of that gut feeling he’s carried with him; the people he loves will always leave him. It's always been like this so there's no reason for it to not happen again. It's not like he has anything to offer them, really. It's not like he has power over them or over loneliness or illness or death. It's not like he can stop any of this from happening. It’s not like the former angel hasn’t made a habit of just flying the fuck away whenever he feels like it. Dean trusts Cas with his life (and probably his death, in a way) but he knows that if Castiel still had his wings, he probably wouldn’t be here right now.  
  
He’s afraid to ask, but he does it any way.  
  
“Cas?” He tries with him one day, when Cas appears to be lost behind his eyes again. He doesn’t answer, so Dean tentatively touches his shoulder —a familiar gesture by now— and Cas jumps a little and turns to him, as if he didn’t realise that he was day-dreaming at all. “You alright?”  
  
Castiel’s eyes soften from his initial surprise and he says quietly, “Yes, Dean. I’m fine.”  
  
“You sure? You’ve just been sitting there for a while and.. I dunno, man. I’m... worried about you.” Dean frowns a little.  
  
“Nothing to worry about.” Cas frowns in return, and looks like he's on the verge of saying something but he doesn't.  
  
Dean says nothing, but waits expectantly, and continues looking at him with his brow creased, his eyes questioning.  
  
Cas relents, “It’s just that... I...” Cas looks down at his lap, where his hands are folded together, “I need to go somewhere for a while.”  
  
His words, although quiet and hesitant, hit Dean like a slap in the face and he almost physically reels. He says nothing again, but he hopes his face is speaking loud enough for him right now because he’s shocked speechless and if he opens his mouth, he’s not sure he can trust himself to not say something painfully desperate or revealing. Something like ‘Why are you leaving me?’ or ‘I can’t believe you’re doing this again’.  
  
He feels his face burn hot and he feels his features twist into something ugly and angry, and he just absolutely hates himself for it, and for being weak and dependant and for being stupid enough to think it would be any different this time. He knew this would happen again; how else was it supposed to turn out? He was always going to end up staying behind, watching the backs of his loved ones as they walked away from him. A small, resentful voice in the back of his mind still told him that it was probably his fault, again. That he deserved this, somehow. It made a wave of old and familiar anxiety rush up to meet him, but he tried to tamp it down anyway, tried to keep breathing evenly.  
  
Cas looks up from his lap, and he can see the way his face goes from serene but slightly sad to surprised then perplexed as he looks at Dean. Dean turns away quickly, before Cas looks at his face for too long, before he starts getting even more upset and doing something he’ll _really_ regret, like crying in front of Cas or freaking out or something stupid like that. _Shit._  
  
Castiel’s voice carries from behind him, “Dean? Dean!” He hears hurried footsteps thumping on the wooden floor, getting closer, but he ignores them and continues walking. He’s not even sure where he’s going, he just needs to get away. Let Cas take a good look at _his_ back for once.  
  
He feels Castiel’s fingers latch onto his forearm when he gets close enough, and Dean pulls himself away forcefully with a growl and barks out, “Just go!” and then swiftly changes direction and starts moving away again.  
  
“Dean, please.. wait!” Castiel is pleading with him —he’s never heard him plead before— and it’s enough to make him halt in his tracks, his whole body tense, his fists clenched at his sides. Cas walks in front of him and faces him, but doesn’t touch him this time. Something like rejection twinges in Dean’s chest, even though he’s supposed to be the one doing the rejecting right now. Pathetic.  
  
He keeps his eyes averted from him, his jaw steeled. Cas dips his head slightly, trying to catch Dean’s gaze, and he says, slow but firm, “Look at me.”  
  
Dean ignores him. He feels like a petulant child, but he can’t deal with this right now. Not again. He can’t look Cas in the face. It just.. hurts too much to be doing this shit again. He needs to keep it together.  
  
“Dean,” Louder now; more resolute, “Look at me.. please.”  
  
It’s that ‘please’ again that makes him falter and Dean looks up, meets Cas’s eyes. And the second he does, he feels all his anger melt away. His breath stills. But oh God, it hurts to even look at his earnest, confused, stupidly blue eyes and he almost wants to run away again, but he holds his ground and remains silent.  
  
“Dean, talk to me.. why are you angry?” Cas’s gentle words make him sound like he’s trying to coax a scared, wounded creature from its hiding place. Dean hates it.  
  
“Nothing, Cas.. I’m not angry.” And he’s not, he’s really not. Not anymore at least. What he’s feeling now is more akin to... nothing, almost. His chest feels strangely empty, his mind blank. He can’t run away on foot, so he tries running further into himself instead.  
  
“Don’t lie to me, and don’t treat me like an idiot. Now tell me what’s wrong.” Cas sounds a bit exasperated now. He doesn’t blame him, he’s pretty annoyed at himself too.  
  
“Cas.. just leave it, alright? I’m not mad at you, I get it. Just go.” The stupid fucking ex-angel keeps all six feet of him stubbornly situated in the same place. He closes his eyes, puts a hand over them, to try to get even farther away. “God.. Will you just leave?”  
  
“Why would I want to leave?” His voice sounds a little hurt now and Dean feels a flash of hot, indignant anger in his chest again and he just lashes out.  
  
“Are you fucking _kidding_ me? You just said you wanted to go! I thought we were done with this shit, Cas. I thought…” He can’t say what he’s thinking out loud: I thought you actually wanted to stay here. With me.  
  
Realization dawns on Cas’s face as Dean’s short tirade comes to an end and his anger kind of fizzles out.  
  
“Dean.. no.” Cas looks apologetic; upset, “That’s not what I meant.”  
  
Dean can’t keep the hurt in his voice from betraying him, making his words stilted, “What then? I don’t get it.”  
  
“I don’t want to leave you. Why would I want to do that?” Cas starts, and pauses for a moment, glancing away, his hands wringing together as he tries to find his words. When his eyes meet Dean's again, he looks almost wistful. “It’s just that.. I miss.. I miss my wings, sometimes. Well, not just my wings themselves specifically, but I miss being able to go everywhere, whenever I wanted. I’m not used to staying in one place for so long. It’s... hard for me.”  
  
And with just that Dean feels like the world’s biggest fucking idiot ever.  
  
 _It's not really about me at all, is it? How did I make this about me?  Fuck, fuck, fuck._  
  
“Fuck.. I mean- I’m-” he’s stumbling around his words and between being embarrassed about Cas’s honesty and ashamed at his insecurities being so glaringly obvious and being just really upset for Cas, he’s pretty sure he’s blushing every shade of red that has ever existed.  
  
“I’m so sorry. I should have made myself clear.” Why is Cas apologising? He’s the one who should be apologising.  
  
“No! Shit, I mean.. no, don’t apologise! I was just jumping to conclusions and.. Cas.. shit. I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.” Somewhere amidst all the frantic apologies, Dean has stepped closer to Cas, his hands now gripping his shoulders.  
  
Cas is now smirking up at him, his eyes crinkling a bit at the corners. “Probably.” Cas brings his hands up, holding Dean’s face between them, his thumbs stroking his temples lightly, and his face turns serious again.  
  
“Dean. I’m sorry you still feel that I may leave you at any moment. But I promise you this: I will not leave you again. I’ve been alive for a long time, and nothing has ever made me as happy as being with you does. You’re very important to me. I need you.. I really do.” Castiel's fierce gaze softens, and he leans up and puts his lips to Dean's forehead in an unadorned, reverent show of affection.  
  
Dean breathes in a small, shaky gasp and blushes fiercely again. His eyes feel strangely wet.  
  
This is too much. He doesn't deserve any of this.  
  
Cas was getting at somewhere raw and vulnerable in his chest. It’s hard, even now, for Dean to accept people’s kindness and their honesty, their affection. He wants to run and hide because it’s all a little too much for him —too close, too real— but there’s no where to go when he’s being held in place by Castiel’s impassioned gaze and being told he’s worth everything to Cas. He feels small and humbled by the brave and earnest brand of love that Cas is offering him. And he doesn’t know what to say, so he replies the only way he knows how.  
  
He kisses Castiel, and tries to say everything that he doesn’t know how to say in words with his lips and tongue and teeth and breath.  
  
He tastes sweet and warm, and when they part, Castiel is smiling up at him, his face lighting up, guileless and full of adoration. Dean's heart does a silly little flip flop at Cas's expression, somehow both muted and torrential in the way that is unique only to Cas. Dean thinks he may have just fallen a little harder for the man in his arms. And he would thank the Gods - God, whatever- for bringing Cas back to him but then he thinks, no, the Gods can shove it because that's everything they've been fighting against since day one; that's everything Castiel has been fighting. The higher powers didn't take Cas from him and they didn't give him back. Castiel came back and is staying here of his own accord, maybe even for good this time.  
  
"Hey, come back here." Cas says, tapping Dean's forehead playfully. “What I meant was, I want to go somewhere with you. I’m just restless.. I need to travel again. But I want it to be with you.”  
  
“Sure, yeah, Cas... Where do you wanna go?”  
  
“To a lake or the ocean, I think. I miss the water.”  
  
“Okay.”


End file.
